A spoof article written in the December issue of Locomotive Engineering, A Practical Journal of Railway Motive Power and Rolling Stock, by Eli Gilderfluke
The scope of this elaborate joke can be seen in the various components described below, Ive highlighted just a few of the many jokes, not to mention, the machine in the engraving would not be able to move thanks to the configuration of the wheels (52-57).
The Gilderfluke Locomotive BY ELI GILDERFLUKE The appalling wastes and incident to the operation of the locomotive have ever been the subject much fruitless wrangling and soul argument tending in the of matters of trivial import along traditionally beaten paths The inventor with a courage born his convictions had not yet arisen of those born out of time Fontaine, Swinnerton, Raub and the great Holman carried the germs of improvements overcome these wastes in part but efforts have been ill timed and they suffered a martyrdom to the causes they have variously essayed through a public lack of appreciation and a studied disregard of proven economies of their systems by wobbly kneed officials to whom the slightest remove from olden time practices was a capital offence There are still those who in a feeling antagonism to departures from the worship of methods moss grown will question some of the many economical innovations here appearing for the first time in locomotive construction Haec olim meminisse juvabit A brief description of a newly devised and highly economical engine follows herewith reference being made to numbers as appearing on engraving…
1 is a small head or signal lamp burning kerosene and is a substitute or understudy for the high power electric searchlight should the electric light fail in operation from any derangement of wires or should bugs attracted by the light clog the dynamo or light exciter Should bugs be attracted in such quantities as to seriously impede the movement of trains it is suggested as a remedy the painting of front end of engine with an insecticide and the spraying of the right of way with a saturated solution of bichloride of mercury and alcohol carried in a suitable receptacle placed on the tender of engine the spraying to be accomplished by the use of compressed air
2 is a high power triple X ray electric search light of 9,340 candle power to enable the engineer to see around curves and through mountains The light exciter or persuader is driven by a small steam turbine or calorifluke
3 controlled from the cab by the lever 5 This light serves a special purpose in such parts of the country as are infested by train robbers the X ray feature enabling the engineer to detect the inmost thoughts of those coming within its range and to govern himself accordingly
4 is a side hood over reflector of lamp the office of this hood being to keep the intense glare of the headlight from blinding the depot master
6 is a new anti sleep on the track device being a highly polished nozzle or hydroshove attached to a pipe leading back to boiler and operated by lever 15 from fireman’s side of the cab The object of this apparatus is to project against the cuticles of hoboes or stray beeves upon the track a stream of aqua pura at a temperature of 212 degrees this is to assist the aforesaid hoboes and beeves to a realization of their danger and to be of service in the acquirement of a hump upon themselves in the clearance of the right of way This squirt can also be used in the winter for the melting of snow banks left by the plow
7 is an especially designed 19 inch air brake pump which together with a new and improved brake rigging will stop a train of 70 cars at a speed of 42.7 miles per hour in 8 feet 10 inches This will enable an engineer to run at full speed right up to the station platform thus saving many money bearing minutes now lost by the slowing up of trains entering stations or terminals
8 and 9 are air brake pump steam exhaust and supply pipes in the order named the supply being taken from the dry pipe to the front cylinder of the lower tandem compound portion of the engine Io is a new and vastly improved smoke pipe or carbowallop for the swift conveyance of smoke cinders and gases back to the fire box for reincineration and with a nice new lead pencil and a sheet of smooth brown paper a saving of at least 75 per cent in coal consumption can be easily figured and in actual service there is no doubt but what a train of 68 cars and a short caboose can be hauled 137.49 miles per half ton of coal
12 is a by pass or deflectorbolus so placed in the carbowallop as to enable the engineer should there be too much smoke ashes or cinders returning to fire box thereby causing too intense a fire to turn the smoke or gases into the stack II and allow them to pass to the atmosphere as shown on engraving
41 42 43 are also parts of the smoke pipe or carbowallop as aforesaid 41 being a movable sleeve or slipguilder connected with petticoat pipe 43 and operated by cab lever 42 The wings of this petticoat pipe act as an atmosphere scoop when engine is running forward and induce a rapid movement of the oxygen charged smoke together with gases and cinders to the fire box The forced addition of the oxygen charged smoke makes a fire of such intensity that an engine equipped with the apparatus will burn very nearly anything and is especially fitted for the burning of a mixture containing equal parts of culm fine gravel and slag The use of this composite fuel will effect a still further saving of 20 per cent making a total estimated saving of 95 per cent over present fuel consumption per train mile and tons hauled
16 is a pipe connected with compressed air reservoir and is to be used as an auxiliary blower for the carbowallop when engine is making steam in the house
13 is a signal or fireworks holder placed upon the sides of the carbowallop so as to insure a prominent display for the usual railroad signals flags or lamps This device is also to be used in connection with a newly designed system of weather signals by flags and pyrotechnics carried on the engine This flagholder in connection with the triple X ray electric search light will be found especially valuable in apprising the train dispatchers of the train’s location in the event of a lap order or when wires are down
14 is a new steam bellringer or chimodad a special feature being the connection between the chimodad and the bell which prevents the bell from turning over other inventors have struggled for years in the solution of this problem without Success
17 18 19 are steam cylinders forming a trunk cross steeple tandem compound system of such marked economy in steam consumption as to effect a proven saving of 87.8 per cent over the steam consumption of the highest type of simple engines of the same draw bar pull and under similar conditions Improvements now making will show a still further economy in the steam consumption of 12.2 per cent which will make a steam economy of 100 per cent the steam being actually used up without waste positively no steam appearing in the stack or carbowallop The distribution of the steam in these cylinders is very simple but is too complex for a written description
22 is a new and improved pilot or flipgang carried on the pony truck wheels 23 to keep the nose of the flipgang from stabbing into the ties The conventional pilot is a rude barbarous construction and a relic of days gone by A swine upon the right of way struck by this oldtime pilot would be tossed aside in a brutal manner and in some cases seriously injured to say nothing of the hazard of covering the front end of the engine with disrupted hog Suits for damages resulting from the promiscuous distribution of swine over the surrounding country are entirely avoided by this new and improved device and the saving thus accomplished will go a long way in the settlement of the pay roll and purchases of soft hammers to be used on the sand pipes or cinder hopper
25 is a brace leading from heel of flipgang back to the center of front bearing pony truck and serves to keep the wheels in alignment and prevents a wobbling motion tending to weary the fireman and possibly leading the engine into the ditch and resulting in the derangement of portions of the reciprocating parts
26 is the front frame carrying saddle and tandem cylinders
27 28 29 30 32 33 34 refer to compressed air attachment 33 is the main compressed atmosphere retainer or drum atmosphere entering through the strainer 32 This strainer is for the separation of dust and bacilli from the air before it enters the circulaoxytor or blower The introduction of the railway bacillus Bacillus Amylobacter into the carbowallop being a serious matter and one hitherto overlooked in locomotive construction The atmosphere strainer connects directly with the circulaoxytor or fan blower 30 driven by a chain and sprocket wheels from the axle of the front pony truck The atmosphere is forced by the circulaoxytor through the coiled conducting pipe 27 and enters retainer at 28 the pressure in the retainer being controlled by a whistle safety valve 30 having a toot that’s like a hoot
35 40 are recording gages for determining the effected steam saving and are to be consulted on the arrival of train at each stopping place or terminal and the results noted in a nice little pocket record book especially designed and provided for the purpose
36 37 are steam supply pipes to the cylinders and are so very simple as to make a description unnecessary 38 is a small pan or drip to catch water coming from the cylinder cocks and is connected with a small pipe which returns the water to the boiler for reheating
39 is main steam supply or dry pipe placed above the boiler The steam produced by this boiler is so very dry and the percentage of moisture so small that lagging of the dry pipe to prevent condensation is unnecessary
44 45 46 47 48 50 63 64 65 have to do with the track sanding system
47 is the sand holder sand being introduced through orifice closed by the cover
44 45 46 are sand conducting pipes 45 being for the conduct of sand to the rail in front of pony truck wheel 31 The forward movement of the wheel over the sand tends to break up the coarser particles and to spread the sand evenly over the rail so that traction wheels 54 56 get a firmer hold upon the track Any kind of sand or fine gravel will serve the purposes required the grinding action of the various wheels tending to reduce it to the proper fineness 46 is a sand pipe for delivering sand upon the intermediate driving wheels and operates to prevent slipping and heating the tires The sand used through pipe 46 is the sand that is returned to the holder by the compressed air exhaust system 63 is a small brush or dustoscope just abaft the tractio wheels The object of this dustoscope is to brush the sand remaining on the rail into the funnel shaped scoop 64 from which it is exhausted through pipe 65 by an exhaust created by compressed air pipe 50 and is thence carried to the sand holder for use over again
This system will be found very serviceable in such localities as are deficient in sand gravel or small rocks and brings about an economy in sand handling the saving of which expended in the purchase of coal will go a long way toward the earning of dividends 49 51 shows an amazingly simple valve and reverse motion constructed boldly along original lines and is as a radical remove from the common every day link as was the link from the olden time hook motion There are those who could not invent a button for a buttery door who will no doubt stand ready to question such a decided innovation and in their poor weak little intellects will conjure up trials and tribulations for the inventor as was ever the wont of such small malicious natures There will be those whose every endeavor will be to bring about contentions as to we will say steam consumption of this engine claiming it to be excessive or the other way to the end that the inventor lay bare the whole scheme of the motion in order to demonstrate its meritorious features The inventor would remind such that he is no newly born biped that his eye teeth have been cut this many a day that he is somewhat of a conniver himself and that he intends to keep the salient features of his device sequestrated against such time as the formation of a company to build this locomotive and who are willing to dig up $1,267,348.27 in current coin and hand to your humble servant on a silver platter Nay kind friends the explanation of this device we will pass by We will however venture this much information in relation to the reverse motion portion of this new system 51 shows a bridge or carry over supported at either end by studs or pins Equidistant on this bridge are round openings suitable for the reception of a movable crank pin When the desire to reverse the engine comes to the fireman the locomotive is brought to a standstill and a small iron ladder carried on the tender is placed on the ground the top resting on the lower part of flange of the high driver 52 A dexterous twist of the wrist removes the crank pin from the position it is in and it is moved along across the bridge to a corresponding hole on the opposite side thus moving valves and reversing the engine Talk about simplicity this is simplicity itself
52 53 54 56 57 pertain to sundry and divers driving and traction wheels all designed to the one end that of the highest speed combined with a great economy and perfect safety By the use of these traction and driving wheels great tractive power is obtained the pull on the drawbar representing 213,647 pounds Theoretically this engine will easily haul 294 standard freight cars of 60,000 pounds capacity fully loaded at a speed of 84 miles an hour
52 53 57 are tripod traction wheels with blind or bald tires mounted in such a manner as to produce a perfect balance of the reciprocating parts and tends to make the smoothest running engine ever built so smooth and noiseless in fact that at a speed of 119 miles per hour this engine will make no more noise in operation than a yellow tom cat crossing a wooden bridge
58 is rear top frame bolted rigidly to firebox and supported by coiled equalizing springs 62 on the lower rear frame 67 which is free from the firebox and attached to the running gear 59 60 have to do with a new grateshaking device or shudderquake of very refined adjustment and worth alone the price of an ordinary locomotive 60 is an idler wheel hung on a bell crank connecting with the cab by lever 74 This wheel being dropped down upon traction wheel 57 makes a contact with shudderquake 59 imparting a rotary motion to the same moving a connecting rod and suitable rigging and affording such shakes as may be required for the good of the engine Drawings and patterns are preparing whereby the product of this grate shaking device may be utilized which will tend to still further increase the savings at the coal pile 61 is a hollow staybolt with an opening of 1 inch in diameter This serves to conduct atmosphere to the fire and affords an escape for the oxygen charged smoke returning to firebox through the carbowallop should the engineer through negligence or common daily cussedness fail to close petticoat pipe 43 and open by pass 12
66 is rear supporting wheel 104 inches in diameter for carrying the back end of engine and cab 68 is an ashpan provided with a back damper or clean out cover connected to cab by lever 69 In an improved device now making the ashes will be conveyed to the tender mixed with fresh fuel and burned over This operation can be repeated until the ashes are worn out
70 71 72 73 is a new double duplex wedge push down driver brake 70 is the brake shoe composed of alternate strips of basswood soaked in glue and cast steel and bearing upon an inner recessed portion of the back supporting wheel 71 is a Damascus bronze wedge attached to lower end of cylinder piston and operates to force the brake shoes against wheel as shown the brake shoes falling away from the wheel by gravity when piston returns to cylinder 72 This brake can be applied in less than 1-130 of a second and is the improved brake referred to before as being capable of bringing to a full stop in a distance of 8 feet 10 inches a train of 70 cars at a speed of 42.7 miles per hour
These quick stops open a new era in dividend getting and are worthy of the most solemn consideration
75 is just a common every week day wind sheet
76 is a spring hanger
77 is a polished steel hand hold with electricity by the calorifluke so in the event of the fireman’s when climbing into the cab the act slipping will turn on the electric in the hand hold preventing the from falling because of his inability let go of the hold This is but a slight tribute to the courage of the men who would dare manage this engine and at another we may discuss some of the many features of this engine devised make life more agreeable and worth living to those up ahead 78 is the water supply pipe to the
79 is an electric cab step especially for enginemen with large feet who wear heavy shoes By standing the step and touching a small button engineman is swiftly shot into the without exertion on his part 80 is bearing brace for brake shoe
81 85 pertain to the new and highly Whale injector which forces 96.378 pounds of water the boiler hourly delivering the cold directly upon the crown sheet tends to keep the crown sheet cool free from crimps
82 is the nose of the running board
83 shows gage or try cocks for left handed firemen and placed of the cab to prevent the dripping water into the fireman’s dinner pail
84 is steam supply pipe to Whale
86 87 91 92 are portions of the hopper or frugoeconomiter and is a for separating the coal and coming through the carbowallop and them on a shelf at the back of fire box where the fireman with a of asbestos mittens removes large of wire and scrap tin before coal or cinders to the fire box the frugoeconomiter become choked too large to pass through to box the fireman can remove the 87 91 and hit the conjested mass ump with an eight pound hammer for the purpose thus starting in the direction intended by the This device exerts a coal 25 per cent which combined with effected by the carbowallop a coal economy of 120 per cent improvements now making will in these engines becoming coal instead of coal consumers the railroads adopting this will have coal for sale or away 88 is the steam dome to which is the steam pressure gage 89 the duties of the fireman is to on the running board every six minutes and keep tabs on pressure as exhibited on the the object in placing the gage on the dome being to keep the fireman sleeping and neglecting to remove debris coming through the 90 is the steam turret and throttle casing 93 shows a brace for holding the steam hood of the car heating pipe 94 is a brace from the steam dome to the frugoeconomiter and acts to resist the impact of stones coal and cinders coming through the frugoeconomiter
95 is a double and triple silver plated steam chime whistle of such power as to be heard on a still day at a distance forty three miles giving the gatemen at crossings ample time to lower the gates and to warn passersby to stand at least 37 feet 6 inches away from the track when these fast trains pass
96 97 are portions of a new car heating device The steam escaping from the silver chime whistle is caught by the steam hood 96 and is carried back through pipe 97 which passes through the boiler to super heat the steam and thence to the car heating system This effects a saving of 100 per cent in car heating the train being heated by steam that is usually lost or wasted at the whistle
98 is a cab roof ventilator which serves to clear the cab from smoke escaping through the hollow staybolts due to overcharging the firebox by smoke returning through the carbowallop Each locomotive is also supplied with a wet sponge which the engineer can tie over his face to prevent suffocation should the ventilator fail to clear the cab quickly enough
99 is a signal lamp similar in character to the one on the front of the engine
100 is a cab bay window so arranged as to afford a clear view of the track ahead This does away with the hole in the elbow wearing practice of leaning out of the cab window prevents the cold air from blowing the engineer’s eye out or the dropping of equally cold rain water down the back of his neck
101, 102 are parts of a very finely adjusted quick acting throttle which is non stickable
103 is an electric nameplate so arranged as to flash any number up to and including 99999 if for any good and sufficient reason these numbers can be used for any purpose whatever
The foregoing explains in a brief way some of the many economical features of this new wonder in mechanics
The inventor stands ready to demonstrate the economies of this engine on any kind of paper either with pen and ink or with a soft lead pencil with a rubber tip
The writer has (in his mind) a great works for the building of these engines and shops in which new methods for the economical handling of work obtains and at some distant day may acquaint you with some money saving devices which to say the least are startling